So I see a trend here - I don't post for a while and then post something really big to me.
Tonight I went to see The Amazing Spiderman 2 - it was really good by the way. So yesterday, I was talking to my friend and he invited me to go with them (the usual people were going so I was really excited). I suspected that Brendan would go too, and I was okay with that.
So when he actually told me that I was somewhat prepared and wasn't about to let a single person stop me from having fun with my friends that I had missed so dearly while away at college. So I was kind of mentally preparing myself to see him again all day which seems really lame but my heart is tender still and I have issues, okay? So anyway, when my friend picked me up, we headed over to the theater. When we got there, there was someone walking in and I knew exactly who it was - Brendan (he has a very distinct walk that still hasn't changed, maybe that's the only thing that hasn't changed.) That is when my heart started pounding out of nervousness... not very cool, I know.
So anyway, we got to the theater and I got a good look at him. His hair is longer (like WAAY longer), and his presence was different. In any case, looking at him brought back every single memory that I have of him (that's nearly a year of being in a relationship). I never thought that I could find someone with long hair like that attractive but wow. He has just gotten more attractive (I'd almost call him beautiful now, and I don't call guys beautiful) - there are those who would call me insane and I guess they have a pretty good reason to. I am hopelessly in love with someone that broke me heart not by doing anything, but by the lack of doing something. It doesn't matter what I do, I try to get rid of him but he keeps coming back. I am wondering if I should not be with my friends but I like them, and I am seriously not going to give up my happiness for a single person who doesn't even care that I exist (no matter how badly I want him to not want me gone).
In other words, he essentially acted like I wasn't there which didn't surprise me. The movie got over, we were talking for a while then decided to go to a friends house. We played this board game that I don't remember the name of but it ended up being a lot of fun (and I'm not the biggest fan of board games). I saw the old him again... the one I fell in love with. Then I came to the realization that he has changed but even though I have seen it for myself, I am still stuck in my rut. When I was leaving, he gave my friend a hug - you have no idea how badly I wanted to hug him long and hard... I got a 'see ya' which is okay I guess.
Hannah said to me that this is the opportunity that I have been wanting - to try and be friends. And I want to so bad. It hurts to be around him now that i have, but it hurts worse to be apart from him and I miss him so much that it physically hurts. And this is something that he will most likely never know because he won't read this and I really don't want to embarrass myself in front of him. Well that's all for tonight, is that enough crazy emotional baggage or you?
Sorry about all this, but I had to get it out before I go crazy.
