So its two weeks and a day until the final day of finals. I am SO done. This semester has passed really quickly in retrospect, but right now I just want it to be over.
Of course there are days when I wake up and feel so out of place that I don't want to get out of bed, that this isn't really my life. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. I still don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with my life, or where I am supposed to be, but I just feel like it isn't here. Is that weird?
Also, I don't even really have the energy to do any of my homework... I don't have much to begin with, so that probably leaves me with way too much empty time, but I just waste so much freaking time. Sometimes I'll literally just watch YouYube videos for hours on end and not even realize how much time has passed.
So there it is. I'm just done, and I finally really realized it. That's all for now.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Introducing Me
Yay! A post that is all about me! This may bore some of you, but I have been thinking a lot and there are a lot of things that I don't like, so I have been trying to figure out things that I do like. So here it goes, I'm not going to say a certain number, so I'll just list things until I think its pretty much covered the bases, okay? Good.
oreos - walks on the beach - hugs - sunshine - he is we - books - duck dynasty - my roommates - the shaytards - palm trees - Anita Stansfield's books - cookies and cream poptarts - t shirts - apples - french bread - my family - warm rain - curling my hair - yellowtone - camping - zoos - young womens - church - the book of mormon - making up names for my future kids - kenneth cope - salt lake city - taylor swift - netflix - straightening my hair - writing in my journal - chocolate - painting my nails - christmas - sweatpants -lifting weights - chapstick - hymns - watching movies - general conference - temple square - the utah mountains - the jonas brothers - pretending i have neat handwriting - snapchat - warm weather - writing blogposts - fried chicken - halloween - pasta - bread - ice cream - funfetti frosting - singing in the shower - musicals - watching ballet - romantic comedies - oh's cereal - long dresses and skirts - prom dresses - lace - disney music - sparkles - aquariums - orange - pink - seeing 3 AM - yellow - quotes - listening to my dad sing - watching the olympics - perfumes and stuff - frosted mini wheats - ultimate frisbee - shaved ice - frozen yogurt - friends - cop shows - my bed - long sleeve shirts - socks - ctr rings - sea world - pearl earrings - sleeping in - writing handwritten letters - ballroom dancing - fairy tales - sharks - watching beauty videos on youtube - steak - daisies - planning my future wedding -pinterest - smoothies - taking naps - having a boyfriend; i am currently single, unfortunately - laughing - lucky charms
So there you have it. Some things that i like. It's quite a list, and I'm sure it could be longer, but I quite frankly think that's long enough for now. I think eventually I'll write another post about the important thing that I dislike
oreos - walks on the beach - hugs - sunshine - he is we - books - duck dynasty - my roommates - the shaytards - palm trees - Anita Stansfield's books - cookies and cream poptarts - t shirts - apples - french bread - my family - warm rain - curling my hair - yellowtone - camping - zoos - young womens - church - the book of mormon - making up names for my future kids - kenneth cope - salt lake city - taylor swift - netflix - straightening my hair - writing in my journal - chocolate - painting my nails - christmas - sweatpants -lifting weights - chapstick - hymns - watching movies - general conference - temple square - the utah mountains - the jonas brothers - pretending i have neat handwriting - snapchat - warm weather - writing blogposts - fried chicken - halloween - pasta - bread - ice cream - funfetti frosting - singing in the shower - musicals - watching ballet - romantic comedies - oh's cereal - long dresses and skirts - prom dresses - lace - disney music - sparkles - aquariums - orange - pink - seeing 3 AM - yellow - quotes - listening to my dad sing - watching the olympics - perfumes and stuff - frosted mini wheats - ultimate frisbee - shaved ice - frozen yogurt - friends - cop shows - my bed - long sleeve shirts - socks - ctr rings - sea world - pearl earrings - sleeping in - writing handwritten letters - ballroom dancing - fairy tales - sharks - watching beauty videos on youtube - steak - daisies - planning my future wedding -pinterest - smoothies - taking naps - having a boyfriend; i am currently single, unfortunately - laughing - lucky charms
So there you have it. Some things that i like. It's quite a list, and I'm sure it could be longer, but I quite frankly think that's long enough for now. I think eventually I'll write another post about the important thing that I dislike
Saturday, March 15, 2014
He Knows
God knows what we need. He knows what we are going to go through, and how we are going to get through it.
I found an amazing quote on Pinterest and it makes me have a happy outlook for the future. "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be." This is SO true. There isn't a person in our lives that is just there by happenstance because no matter what they were to you, they had an effect on you. Even the smallest difference does make a difference.
The thing about this quote that makes me really think is that I can think about a person (or multiple people) that fulfill each of the different things. Of course, I have had those in my life who have hurt me, and through that I have learned what I am willing to accept and things that I am not willing to accept about myself and characteristics in others. There are those that love me (or at least I think they do) such as my family and friends - they make the most difference in my life because they are currently in my life for the most part. Sometimes I just like to take time to think of all the different types of people that I have in my life. There are those that I have met here in Hawaii, that I have had conversations with and then never talk to them again, there are those that I used to spend time with but have stopped, for various reasons, and there are those that I talk to in classes, but not really outside of those certain classes.
No matter who you are or where you are, you are interacting with people therefore your influence is being put in their life no matter how large or small it is. It also makes me think, "Who am I to [insert name here] and what affect do I want to have on them?"
For the longest time, I didn't think that people were very important to me. I was fine with just being alone, reading a book or watching TV or movies. I still enjoy those things, but now I am working on this still, and making the effort to do stuff with people is tough sometimes. The last little while I have been spending more time with people and have been out of my room.
Today quite a few really great things happened, I went to Stake Conference and that was so awesome. I do like conferences, often I forget about them or am busy and have something else going on (unfortunately). I had an issue, so I needed a mother's advice and it was so helpful. Throughout the years I have treated my amazing mother with less than the right amount of respect, but not being around her has made me miss her so much, and I'm so glad that I know that I can call her most of the time (sometimes she is bust and can't talk, but usually it's pretty good). So, yeah, if you didn't know that mom, its true, I do love you even if I went years thinking I didn't. I also have some amazing friends who are just flat out amazing and I am so excited to live near them again because I definitely took friends for granted in high school, especially here when I don't have an abundance like I do in Utah, and all over because quite a few are on missions.
Saturday's tend to be very reflective, so deepish thoughts are in my mind. OH! Also, if anyone has a blog, please let me know! I love reading all sorts of blogs because they are just awesome! Thanks a bunch :).
I found an amazing quote on Pinterest and it makes me have a happy outlook for the future. "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be." This is SO true. There isn't a person in our lives that is just there by happenstance because no matter what they were to you, they had an effect on you. Even the smallest difference does make a difference.
The thing about this quote that makes me really think is that I can think about a person (or multiple people) that fulfill each of the different things. Of course, I have had those in my life who have hurt me, and through that I have learned what I am willing to accept and things that I am not willing to accept about myself and characteristics in others. There are those that love me (or at least I think they do) such as my family and friends - they make the most difference in my life because they are currently in my life for the most part. Sometimes I just like to take time to think of all the different types of people that I have in my life. There are those that I have met here in Hawaii, that I have had conversations with and then never talk to them again, there are those that I used to spend time with but have stopped, for various reasons, and there are those that I talk to in classes, but not really outside of those certain classes.
No matter who you are or where you are, you are interacting with people therefore your influence is being put in their life no matter how large or small it is. It also makes me think, "Who am I to [insert name here] and what affect do I want to have on them?"
For the longest time, I didn't think that people were very important to me. I was fine with just being alone, reading a book or watching TV or movies. I still enjoy those things, but now I am working on this still, and making the effort to do stuff with people is tough sometimes. The last little while I have been spending more time with people and have been out of my room.
Today quite a few really great things happened, I went to Stake Conference and that was so awesome. I do like conferences, often I forget about them or am busy and have something else going on (unfortunately). I had an issue, so I needed a mother's advice and it was so helpful. Throughout the years I have treated my amazing mother with less than the right amount of respect, but not being around her has made me miss her so much, and I'm so glad that I know that I can call her most of the time (sometimes she is bust and can't talk, but usually it's pretty good). So, yeah, if you didn't know that mom, its true, I do love you even if I went years thinking I didn't. I also have some amazing friends who are just flat out amazing and I am so excited to live near them again because I definitely took friends for granted in high school, especially here when I don't have an abundance like I do in Utah, and all over because quite a few are on missions.
Saturday's tend to be very reflective, so deepish thoughts are in my mind. OH! Also, if anyone has a blog, please let me know! I love reading all sorts of blogs because they are just awesome! Thanks a bunch :).
Sunday, March 9, 2014
The Gospel
Happy Sunday night to everyone! Its about 7:30 right now, and I decided to post this.
Today at church I tried REALLY hard to pay attention. Usually I'm on Pinterest the whole time, but today I made an effort to pay close attention and really try to learn something from the talks and lessons.
Sacrament meeting was really good, and I wrote stuff down - yay for me! It helps when you actually know who the speakers are :). I also highlighted some things on my phone. Here they are:
So this picture was given to the men, but I think the highlighted section applies to everyone. There really are times when we think that we can't possibly get anywhere, but we really just have to push through it and surround ourselves with people that make us want to get somewhere. Which is something that I have been trying to do, and have taken quite big strides if I do say so myself.
This little segment was so great to me. When Clint pointed out this quote, I thought that it was so stinking true. Every time we make a decision, it usually leads one way or the other in the end. It may take a hard turn, and make you unhappy for a time, but later, making that hard decision and getting through it could yield so many blessings that may never have come about without making that decision. One choice that I KNOW will lead to happiness - duh - is the Gospel. It is something that doesn't lead to unhappiness. For some, it may be hard to give up lifestyle choices, but in the end, it will lead to only happy things that make you so much better than you could have had.
In Sunday School the lesson was on "Marriage in the Covenant". Our teacher was great, and it was interesting to hear what a single adult ward thinks of it. I'd only ever had this lesson in family wards, so it was different. Everyone seemed to be a little bitter about it... like, they were upset that they weren't married yet. Then there's me, who is 19 and SO not ready to be married. And since people I know are either engaged, dating seriously or already married, I am torn between whether I feel pressured to go on a mission or hurry up and get married. I'm not seriously looking to marry anyone, I still think I'm too young even though I do know people who married when they were my age (or a little older - like my mom) who are happily married.
So, yeah, it was quite an experience listening to what they thought about it.
I think that I have come to a decision of sorts. I am pretty sure that I want to go on a mission. The only issue is that I am SO not ready yet. Not in the way that I have things to repent of or anything, but I am so not up to the spiritual standard. I was thinking about it today, and I am thinking that I am going to see what happens when I turn 20. And if I feel like I'm kinda ready I'll prep and go, and if not, I'll wait some more until I'm 21. If that offends anyone, I'm sorry, but just because the age was lowered, doesn't mean everyone has to go when they are 19. If you're ready then, good for you, but some of us still have some growing to do.
See, I can be spiritual sometimes... OH! Last week, not this last one, but the one before that, I went to the temple to do baptisms. I wasn't able to physically do them, but actually making the effort to go made a difference. And we have ward baptisms this week, and I think that I am going to try my darnedest to go.
Today at church I tried REALLY hard to pay attention. Usually I'm on Pinterest the whole time, but today I made an effort to pay close attention and really try to learn something from the talks and lessons.
Sacrament meeting was really good, and I wrote stuff down - yay for me! It helps when you actually know who the speakers are :). I also highlighted some things on my phone. Here they are:
So this picture was given to the men, but I think the highlighted section applies to everyone. There really are times when we think that we can't possibly get anywhere, but we really just have to push through it and surround ourselves with people that make us want to get somewhere. Which is something that I have been trying to do, and have taken quite big strides if I do say so myself.
This little segment was so great to me. When Clint pointed out this quote, I thought that it was so stinking true. Every time we make a decision, it usually leads one way or the other in the end. It may take a hard turn, and make you unhappy for a time, but later, making that hard decision and getting through it could yield so many blessings that may never have come about without making that decision. One choice that I KNOW will lead to happiness - duh - is the Gospel. It is something that doesn't lead to unhappiness. For some, it may be hard to give up lifestyle choices, but in the end, it will lead to only happy things that make you so much better than you could have had.
In Sunday School the lesson was on "Marriage in the Covenant". Our teacher was great, and it was interesting to hear what a single adult ward thinks of it. I'd only ever had this lesson in family wards, so it was different. Everyone seemed to be a little bitter about it... like, they were upset that they weren't married yet. Then there's me, who is 19 and SO not ready to be married. And since people I know are either engaged, dating seriously or already married, I am torn between whether I feel pressured to go on a mission or hurry up and get married. I'm not seriously looking to marry anyone, I still think I'm too young even though I do know people who married when they were my age (or a little older - like my mom) who are happily married.
So, yeah, it was quite an experience listening to what they thought about it.
I think that I have come to a decision of sorts. I am pretty sure that I want to go on a mission. The only issue is that I am SO not ready yet. Not in the way that I have things to repent of or anything, but I am so not up to the spiritual standard. I was thinking about it today, and I am thinking that I am going to see what happens when I turn 20. And if I feel like I'm kinda ready I'll prep and go, and if not, I'll wait some more until I'm 21. If that offends anyone, I'm sorry, but just because the age was lowered, doesn't mean everyone has to go when they are 19. If you're ready then, good for you, but some of us still have some growing to do.
See, I can be spiritual sometimes... OH! Last week, not this last one, but the one before that, I went to the temple to do baptisms. I wasn't able to physically do them, but actually making the effort to go made a difference. And we have ward baptisms this week, and I think that I am going to try my darnedest to go.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sides Within Myself
Right now, I am seriously confused and at odds with myself.
So, there's this guy at home that I have really strong feelings for, at least, I think I do. I am going through an internal battle with myself about him. I am torn between trying to figure out if it could ever go anywhere beyond where it was at before I left him... or if I want to meet someone who will make me feel like I did when I was with him. I don't know if I want someone to come along and make me forget about him or try to make it work... I'm just so confused, and he isn't helping - every time I try to ask a question he won't answer, and its tearing me apart.
How do you give so much time to someone and just expect to have them out of your mind and heart within a few months? Well that isn't happening for me. I love him, and I don't want to give, I try not to give up on things that are a little bit broken (something I always told him because he is so much better than he thinks).
I found a song that I think applies to this situation a bit, how I feel at least: Never Stop by Safetysuit. It's one of the most romantic songs, and someday I want someone to feel that way about me because I'm starting to feel like I'm unlovable...
So, there's this guy at home that I have really strong feelings for, at least, I think I do. I am going through an internal battle with myself about him. I am torn between trying to figure out if it could ever go anywhere beyond where it was at before I left him... or if I want to meet someone who will make me feel like I did when I was with him. I don't know if I want someone to come along and make me forget about him or try to make it work... I'm just so confused, and he isn't helping - every time I try to ask a question he won't answer, and its tearing me apart.
How do you give so much time to someone and just expect to have them out of your mind and heart within a few months? Well that isn't happening for me. I love him, and I don't want to give, I try not to give up on things that are a little bit broken (something I always told him because he is so much better than he thinks).
I found a song that I think applies to this situation a bit, how I feel at least: Never Stop by Safetysuit. It's one of the most romantic songs, and someday I want someone to feel that way about me because I'm starting to feel like I'm unlovable...
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Woah
Well it has been a long while since I have posted anything... I keep meaning to, and then I get halfway through a post and get distracted and don't post it.
On the upside, there are less than 40 days until I get to go home and begin yet another new chapter of my life. I am both excited and really scared for this. One thing that I'm scared that I'm going to meet someone (a guy specifically) and I'm going to fall in love with him, think that its a good idea to get married and in the future have it end badly. I have this little plan in my head that I know who I would prefer to marry, and if we did it wouldn't be exactly easy, but it would be a good marriage if we both put all we have into it. This is in my mind because quite a few of the people that I went to school with are either engaged or already married. There are others that are getting married and I am really excited for them, and others that amaze me because they're my age and ready to be married and here I am in love with someone who I don't have a clue what is going on. I am so not ready to be married yet, and I hope that it does happen eventually because I really want kids. I have realized how much I miss kids by not being around them. But no, I'm not going to go out and have a baby, I will wait for the right time and hope that I find the right man to marry and have kids with.
I have a lot of big decisions coming up in the next year. I get to find somewhere to live on my own, outside of my parents house in Lehi. I get to figure out how to run a business, go to school and have a job. I get to freaking figure out what I want to do with my education. Geez, if I find time to breathe when I get back to Utah I will be happy.
Fortunately, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the coming month here in Hawaii. I have field trips galore coming up in my conservation biology class that I am so excited for. I'll let you know when they get closer. I have made some friends and I am getting comfortable here, right before I leave which is okay because a lot of people aren't even staying for summer anyway.
So, yeah, that's all my brain can think of right now... I've been a little overloaded the last little while, so here's an insight into my crazay life.
I have a lot of big decisions coming up in the next year. I get to find somewhere to live on my own, outside of my parents house in Lehi. I get to figure out how to run a business, go to school and have a job. I get to freaking figure out what I want to do with my education. Geez, if I find time to breathe when I get back to Utah I will be happy.
Fortunately, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the coming month here in Hawaii. I have field trips galore coming up in my conservation biology class that I am so excited for. I'll let you know when they get closer. I have made some friends and I am getting comfortable here, right before I leave which is okay because a lot of people aren't even staying for summer anyway.
So, yeah, that's all my brain can think of right now... I've been a little overloaded the last little while, so here's an insight into my crazay life.
"Insert Witty Title Here"
Here's a post I wrote but didn't end... I don't know where my brain left off, but here is the part that I wrote all in one sitting. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense to anyone.
Its been a while since I've posted, so, sorry about that. Not a whole lot has happened in the last few weeks, classes have been in full swing and i think that I may be really starting to get the hang of my schedule that I have set for myself. One thing that has been going on is that I have been exercising regularly. For my fitness class I have to do at least 3 30 minute cardio workouts and 2 resistance workouts a week. It was weird at first, and I was hesitant to go into the fitness center because I am not comfortable running outside (it kills me). And this past week I found out the fitness center has a women's hour from 6-6:45 Tuesday and Thursday. This made me so excited! I love lifting weights thanks to taking weightlifting my senior year, and being able to go into the weight room without a billion guys in there lifting at least twice as much as I can is awesome. So i went and there were only like 3 or 4 other girls in there. Today my friend Amanda and I went and worked out, and there were guys in there as well so I just did my thing not really caring what they thought, it was a pretty big step for me with all my self confidence issues that I have. After working out I smelled about as far from a springtime meadow as possible, I could smell myself - I feel sorry for anyone in the vicinity and my beautiful scent from nearly an hour of gettin' my heart rate up! If I can walk without pain in a day or two, its because I didn't work hard enough!
Its been a while since I've posted, so, sorry about that. Not a whole lot has happened in the last few weeks, classes have been in full swing and i think that I may be really starting to get the hang of my schedule that I have set for myself. One thing that has been going on is that I have been exercising regularly. For my fitness class I have to do at least 3 30 minute cardio workouts and 2 resistance workouts a week. It was weird at first, and I was hesitant to go into the fitness center because I am not comfortable running outside (it kills me). And this past week I found out the fitness center has a women's hour from 6-6:45 Tuesday and Thursday. This made me so excited! I love lifting weights thanks to taking weightlifting my senior year, and being able to go into the weight room without a billion guys in there lifting at least twice as much as I can is awesome. So i went and there were only like 3 or 4 other girls in there. Today my friend Amanda and I went and worked out, and there were guys in there as well so I just did my thing not really caring what they thought, it was a pretty big step for me with all my self confidence issues that I have. After working out I smelled about as far from a springtime meadow as possible, I could smell myself - I feel sorry for anyone in the vicinity and my beautiful scent from nearly an hour of gettin' my heart rate up! If I can walk without pain in a day or two, its because I didn't work hard enough!
So I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I react weirdly to them, and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing or if it is just a thing that happens. Mostly referring to people of the male specimen. I have had quite a few (mostly) close guy friends. Through high school, it seemed like I much rather would have been with guys than with girls (especially my junior year) and the trend repeated itself during the end of senior year and into the summer. I don't know what it is, because I don't exactly enjoy the same things as guys, but I would have rather been sitting in a corner watching guys play video games than to be at home doing something else. Eventually I caught on to the Frisbee thing, thank heavens, and going to play Frisbee was seriously something I looked forward to - for multiple reasons ;). When quite a few of my friends left on missions, it was weird to think that these people that I had grown close to over a relatively short amount of time were going out to serve the Lord and that I wouldn't be able to see them for quite a while. Most specifically, when Bryant left in July (he's been out for 7 months already!!!). It was so weird not having him around for the rest of the summer. It really bummed me out when I wasn't able to go to Jared's farewell in October because I was here. I miss him quite a lot because I really like him as a friend. Oh goodness, I miss my missionaries...
In addition to friends, I have been thinking about all the guys that I have liked through the years. And there have been a LOT of them. It seemed like more often than not, I tended to either have a crush on the one guy that everyone had a crush on, or someone that it seemed like I was the only one. But it didn't matter to me, if I liked them, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.
Eventually I got over all of them except one. And I was thinking about that relationship again, and it was quite different than any other relationship I've ever had because it became more than a relationship kinda fast and kinda not. Like, in retrospect, 2 months isn't very long, but I've seen people meet, date for little more than 2 months and get engaged. In my defense, I did get to know him as a friend and a person before I started to like him. I mean, I thought he was really cute (I still do) and it was surprisingly easy to talk to him, but I honestly never thought that I would date him. And it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought, I even told Hannah when I started to like him, which kind of surprised me.
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