So Taylor Swift released a new album not too long ago. I am not the biggest fan of all of her new songs, but there are some that I just like. Shake It Off and Blank Space are the ones that I like right now.
When I first saw this video I thought that it was really weird, but the more I watch it, the more I like it.
Blank Space
The song on the other hand, is pretty applicable right now. I'm at a point where there a few guys that I have been hanging out with and wouldn't mind if something were to happen with any of them. This sing got me thinking about how they'd end - either in marriage or breaking up. There are only 2 options. So I am kind hoping that something is to happen with one of them more than the others. Yep, someone may just become my next mistake, but I'm okay with that.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Movies are Frustrating Sometimes
Last week I went with Clara to go see "The Best of Me". I can honestly say that although I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, it was frustrating at the same time. There were parts that had me crying, and others when I just wanted to scream in frustration. But I will definitely be purchasing that movie, it was so good.
The end credits featured the song "I Did With You" by Lady Antebellum. I love this song, and both videos are awesome, but I loved the lyric one the most. Here it is.
I Did With You - Lyrics
Please enjoy :)
The end credits featured the song "I Did With You" by Lady Antebellum. I love this song, and both videos are awesome, but I loved the lyric one the most. Here it is.
I Did With You - Lyrics
Please enjoy :)
Friday, September 26, 2014
Grandpa Robertson
So, a month ago yesterday, my Grandpa Robertson passed away. It all happened very quickly, he was admitted to the hospital and about a 2 weeks later, he passed away. The day that he was admitted to the hospital, he was put into a coma. My mom and her sister flew out that day to be with him. The next day he woke up, and my dad asked if we (the kids in my family) wanted to go out to California to see him one last time. Of course we wanted to go, this is my grandpa we were talking about. So we did, we flew out there and went to the hospital to see him. He was a little better, but he was still so skinny compared to how he had been when we had seen him last.
We took time to go to the beach, something that he wanted for us, to have fun while we were down there. It was so weird to not have him in his own house, it almost felt like devoid of life. I have many memories in that house, most of them more recent - Christmas 2010, my senior trip May 2013. I am so glad that I got to go down and see him while he was still in a semi-coherent state. The time came to come home, and we did. A couple days later he checked himself out of the hospital and days later he was right back in the hospital. and this time he wasn't well.
My mom and her sister went out yet again - my aunt took her kids and husband this time. In the midst of all of this, I was closing the shack for the summer and moving down here to Provo. Days passed, and at 6 AM on August 25, I got a text from my mom letting me know that he had passed earlier that morning. This was also my first day of the semester. Needless to say, it was probably the hardest day that I have had in a very long time. I cried, a lot. It was so painful, I can only imagine the pain my mom and her siblings were feeling.
Soon after, was his funeral. It was a lovely service, family and few close friends. Very intimate, just taking time to remember Grandpa R. I also cried during the funeral. After the service, the graveside service was in Gooding, Idaho so we made the trek up there. It was something I hadn't ever experienced before, burying someone that I was close to.
This past weekend I got the chance to go to California with my parents and older brother to clean up the house. If 'm honest, I'm glad that the house is being sold, it just isn't the same without him there. Seeing it nearly empty was something I thought I wouldn't have to see for a very long time, but I'm glad that I went, to say a farewell of sorts.
It is weird to think that he's gone. I'm sure there will be moments that I miss him more than others, and I am so glad I got to know him these 19 years.
I love you Grandpa. So much.
 |
| This is from a LONG time ago, obviously. But this is a little snippet of the fun that we always had with him :). |
My mom and her sister went out yet again - my aunt took her kids and husband this time. In the midst of all of this, I was closing the shack for the summer and moving down here to Provo. Days passed, and at 6 AM on August 25, I got a text from my mom letting me know that he had passed earlier that morning. This was also my first day of the semester. Needless to say, it was probably the hardest day that I have had in a very long time. I cried, a lot. It was so painful, I can only imagine the pain my mom and her siblings were feeling.
Soon after, was his funeral. It was a lovely service, family and few close friends. Very intimate, just taking time to remember Grandpa R. I also cried during the funeral. After the service, the graveside service was in Gooding, Idaho so we made the trek up there. It was something I hadn't ever experienced before, burying someone that I was close to.
 |
| His awesome looking casket. I also took a couple flowers off the top ;) |
It is weird to think that he's gone. I'm sure there will be moments that I miss him more than others, and I am so glad I got to know him these 19 years.
I love you Grandpa. So much.
Monday, September 15, 2014
It's alright to be Proud of myself
It has been a busy last while!
I moved! Almost a month ago now, and I absolutely LOVE it. I am coming to terms with my apartment and doing things that I didn't think I could do.
Here's the deal, I live with 2 of the most outgoing people I have ever met. Bethany and Clara. They seem to know most everyone :). In any case, this has resulted in many people coming over to our apartment.
And me, being myself, has always not been very good at new people. This is changing ever so slightly. Last night I realized that I am proud of myself. Over these last 3+ weeks, I have met SO many people. Like, really. And when I see these people, I will say hi, or have a small conversation with them. And this has made me extremely happy, I love coming home because it means that I will see people that I legitimately enjoy being with - and the chances that I'll meet someone new is pretty high too. In addition to going home, I really enjoy ward activities (many of the people I have met are in my ward - and it is awesome!).
Because I am trying to do things that I am not so comfortable with, I also got set up on a blind date. This guy was knocking on doors to see if anyone wanted to go on a date, and he came to our apartment and I got volunteered by my roommates. I was SO nervous - I hadn't been on a date in well over a year. So I went and it was really fun, I am glad that I got to experience that.
I am proud of myself, I am being social and meeting people and learning to listen and get along with those from all different backgrounds and walks of life. And I am LOVING it.
I moved! Almost a month ago now, and I absolutely LOVE it. I am coming to terms with my apartment and doing things that I didn't think I could do.
Here's the deal, I live with 2 of the most outgoing people I have ever met. Bethany and Clara. They seem to know most everyone :). In any case, this has resulted in many people coming over to our apartment.
And me, being myself, has always not been very good at new people. This is changing ever so slightly. Last night I realized that I am proud of myself. Over these last 3+ weeks, I have met SO many people. Like, really. And when I see these people, I will say hi, or have a small conversation with them. And this has made me extremely happy, I love coming home because it means that I will see people that I legitimately enjoy being with - and the chances that I'll meet someone new is pretty high too. In addition to going home, I really enjoy ward activities (many of the people I have met are in my ward - and it is awesome!).
Because I am trying to do things that I am not so comfortable with, I also got set up on a blind date. This guy was knocking on doors to see if anyone wanted to go on a date, and he came to our apartment and I got volunteered by my roommates. I was SO nervous - I hadn't been on a date in well over a year. So I went and it was really fun, I am glad that I got to experience that.
I am proud of myself, I am being social and meeting people and learning to listen and get along with those from all different backgrounds and walks of life. And I am LOVING it.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
New Career goals?
Wow how different things can be. I am registered for school and am waiting on Financial Aid to go through. I am SO excited for this fall, my classes and moving out are included in the excitement. Quite frankly, they are the reason for excitement.
I love school. And up until now I thought that I wanted to have a career. More specifically since I was a senior in high school. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. Then I changed to Social Work. I registered for classes to start my social work degree - I am excited for them, I really am,but my goals are a little different.
I was talking to a friend and we were talking about of all things - careers and marriage. She always thought that she would go to college, get a career and become successful. Somewhere along the way she would get married and have kids. Then it made me think about what I want. I realized the growing up I never had a career in mind. Of course, I would want to be a teacher, a vet, a meteorologist etc... but nothing ever stuck.
I realized recently that ALL I want to do is to be a wife and a mom. I want to meet my special someone and get married and have kids. I don't want a career, I know school is important but is just until I get married. My only fear now is that I am not going to find that someone, that I'm going to miss him when he comes. So now I am stuck. I like 2 different guys, and I don't feel like either one could ever like me, but I still enjoy spending time with both of them. So until they move 2 hours away, I'm just going to enjoy my summer and hope that I get some inspirations soon because I really need it.
I love school. And up until now I thought that I wanted to have a career. More specifically since I was a senior in high school. I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. Then I changed to Social Work. I registered for classes to start my social work degree - I am excited for them, I really am,but my goals are a little different.
I was talking to a friend and we were talking about of all things - careers and marriage. She always thought that she would go to college, get a career and become successful. Somewhere along the way she would get married and have kids. Then it made me think about what I want. I realized the growing up I never had a career in mind. Of course, I would want to be a teacher, a vet, a meteorologist etc... but nothing ever stuck.
I realized recently that ALL I want to do is to be a wife and a mom. I want to meet my special someone and get married and have kids. I don't want a career, I know school is important but is just until I get married. My only fear now is that I am not going to find that someone, that I'm going to miss him when he comes. So now I am stuck. I like 2 different guys, and I don't feel like either one could ever like me, but I still enjoy spending time with both of them. So until they move 2 hours away, I'm just going to enjoy my summer and hope that I get some inspirations soon because I really need it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Very Different
The last month and then some have had me kind of spinning. I work quite a bit which I like, but sometimes wears me out. I also like someone new - something that I wasn't sure would ever happen again. I doubt it sometimes, but I am growing and learning who I am.
I started another blog, and I will not share it because its mostly personal thoughts. Maybe I'll share it someday. In any case, I am slowly learning to feel again and for that I am extremely grateful. I have learned that I am human, I make mistakes and I can learn from them.
Most importantly - I am happy. I look at my life, and I am content with where it is at right now. This is a great feat and I hope that it continues.
I started another blog, and I will not share it because its mostly personal thoughts. Maybe I'll share it someday. In any case, I am slowly learning to feel again and for that I am extremely grateful. I have learned that I am human, I make mistakes and I can learn from them.
Most importantly - I am happy. I look at my life, and I am content with where it is at right now. This is a great feat and I hope that it continues.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Problems
So I see a trend here - I don't post for a while and then post something really big to me.
Tonight I went to see The Amazing Spiderman 2 - it was really good by the way. So yesterday, I was talking to my friend and he invited me to go with them (the usual people were going so I was really excited). I suspected that Brendan would go too, and I was okay with that.
So when he actually told me that I was somewhat prepared and wasn't about to let a single person stop me from having fun with my friends that I had missed so dearly while away at college. So I was kind of mentally preparing myself to see him again all day which seems really lame but my heart is tender still and I have issues, okay? So anyway, when my friend picked me up, we headed over to the theater. When we got there, there was someone walking in and I knew exactly who it was - Brendan (he has a very distinct walk that still hasn't changed, maybe that's the only thing that hasn't changed.) That is when my heart started pounding out of nervousness... not very cool, I know.
So anyway, we got to the theater and I got a good look at him. His hair is longer (like WAAY longer), and his presence was different. In any case, looking at him brought back every single memory that I have of him (that's nearly a year of being in a relationship). I never thought that I could find someone with long hair like that attractive but wow. He has just gotten more attractive (I'd almost call him beautiful now, and I don't call guys beautiful) - there are those who would call me insane and I guess they have a pretty good reason to. I am hopelessly in love with someone that broke me heart not by doing anything, but by the lack of doing something. It doesn't matter what I do, I try to get rid of him but he keeps coming back. I am wondering if I should not be with my friends but I like them, and I am seriously not going to give up my happiness for a single person who doesn't even care that I exist (no matter how badly I want him to not want me gone).
In other words, he essentially acted like I wasn't there which didn't surprise me. The movie got over, we were talking for a while then decided to go to a friends house. We played this board game that I don't remember the name of but it ended up being a lot of fun (and I'm not the biggest fan of board games). I saw the old him again... the one I fell in love with. Then I came to the realization that he has changed but even though I have seen it for myself, I am still stuck in my rut. When I was leaving, he gave my friend a hug - you have no idea how badly I wanted to hug him long and hard... I got a 'see ya' which is okay I guess.
Hannah said to me that this is the opportunity that I have been wanting - to try and be friends. And I want to so bad. It hurts to be around him now that i have, but it hurts worse to be apart from him and I miss him so much that it physically hurts. And this is something that he will most likely never know because he won't read this and I really don't want to embarrass myself in front of him. Well that's all for tonight, is that enough crazy emotional baggage or you?
Sorry about all this, but I had to get it out before I go crazy.
Tonight I went to see The Amazing Spiderman 2 - it was really good by the way. So yesterday, I was talking to my friend and he invited me to go with them (the usual people were going so I was really excited). I suspected that Brendan would go too, and I was okay with that.
So when he actually told me that I was somewhat prepared and wasn't about to let a single person stop me from having fun with my friends that I had missed so dearly while away at college. So I was kind of mentally preparing myself to see him again all day which seems really lame but my heart is tender still and I have issues, okay? So anyway, when my friend picked me up, we headed over to the theater. When we got there, there was someone walking in and I knew exactly who it was - Brendan (he has a very distinct walk that still hasn't changed, maybe that's the only thing that hasn't changed.) That is when my heart started pounding out of nervousness... not very cool, I know.
So anyway, we got to the theater and I got a good look at him. His hair is longer (like WAAY longer), and his presence was different. In any case, looking at him brought back every single memory that I have of him (that's nearly a year of being in a relationship). I never thought that I could find someone with long hair like that attractive but wow. He has just gotten more attractive (I'd almost call him beautiful now, and I don't call guys beautiful) - there are those who would call me insane and I guess they have a pretty good reason to. I am hopelessly in love with someone that broke me heart not by doing anything, but by the lack of doing something. It doesn't matter what I do, I try to get rid of him but he keeps coming back. I am wondering if I should not be with my friends but I like them, and I am seriously not going to give up my happiness for a single person who doesn't even care that I exist (no matter how badly I want him to not want me gone).
In other words, he essentially acted like I wasn't there which didn't surprise me. The movie got over, we were talking for a while then decided to go to a friends house. We played this board game that I don't remember the name of but it ended up being a lot of fun (and I'm not the biggest fan of board games). I saw the old him again... the one I fell in love with. Then I came to the realization that he has changed but even though I have seen it for myself, I am still stuck in my rut. When I was leaving, he gave my friend a hug - you have no idea how badly I wanted to hug him long and hard... I got a 'see ya' which is okay I guess.
Hannah said to me that this is the opportunity that I have been wanting - to try and be friends. And I want to so bad. It hurts to be around him now that i have, but it hurts worse to be apart from him and I miss him so much that it physically hurts. And this is something that he will most likely never know because he won't read this and I really don't want to embarrass myself in front of him. Well that's all for tonight, is that enough crazy emotional baggage or you?
Sorry about all this, but I had to get it out before I go crazy.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Has someone else gone through this?
Music has a way of describing exactly how I feel. Every stinking time. I have found 3 songs that I just LOVE right now.
1. Everybody Has Somebody But Me - Hunter Hayes
2. Unconditionally - Katy Perry
3. Classic - MKTO
These three songs are just fabulous.
The first one is just how I feel. Not to be depressing, but I really want to have someone who loves me... It sure seems like everyone else has somebody and I miss my used to be somebody. The video is really cute, and I'm glad I came across this song(: .
Number 2 is how I feel about my boy of choice. I don't think that he knows it, but it never mattered to me, I love him anyway and I think if he knew that that our relationship would have ended better for me. (the video is weird at the end, so I would recommend watching a lyric video that is NOT made by Katy Perry, that one was weird too - I wish I hadn't watched it).
Classic is the way that I want someone to feel about me... to love me because I am me, a unique human that has her own quirks and oddities. I try not to be too weird. This video is also cute and how girls wish guys would feel.
So in order to be more social and maybe find someone to love, I am going to the SINGLES WARD! I am really excited because I'm sticking around this time and am going to be a good person and try to meet lots of people because I want somebody for reals not just because I'm lonely - stranger things have happened.
1. Everybody Has Somebody But Me - Hunter Hayes
2. Unconditionally - Katy Perry
3. Classic - MKTO
These three songs are just fabulous.
The first one is just how I feel. Not to be depressing, but I really want to have someone who loves me... It sure seems like everyone else has somebody and I miss my used to be somebody. The video is really cute, and I'm glad I came across this song(: .
Number 2 is how I feel about my boy of choice. I don't think that he knows it, but it never mattered to me, I love him anyway and I think if he knew that that our relationship would have ended better for me. (the video is weird at the end, so I would recommend watching a lyric video that is NOT made by Katy Perry, that one was weird too - I wish I hadn't watched it).
Classic is the way that I want someone to feel about me... to love me because I am me, a unique human that has her own quirks and oddities. I try not to be too weird. This video is also cute and how girls wish guys would feel.
So in order to be more social and maybe find someone to love, I am going to the SINGLES WARD! I am really excited because I'm sticking around this time and am going to be a good person and try to meet lots of people because I want somebody for reals not just because I'm lonely - stranger things have happened.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Goodbye to Love
Today I told the only guy I love goodbye. For good this time. He didn't care and he doesn't care about me.
I am broken. I have a shattered heart and I want to find the man that can mend it because I won't be able to deal with another heartbreak.
I wanted him to come back. I want him to tell me that he still loves me and that we can fix what we had, that we can start over again. But I know that is never going to happen. I just wish he knew that my feelings haven't changed, no matter how much he has.
I am broken. I have a shattered heart and I want to find the man that can mend it because I won't be able to deal with another heartbreak.
I wanted him to come back. I want him to tell me that he still loves me and that we can fix what we had, that we can start over again. But I know that is never going to happen. I just wish he knew that my feelings haven't changed, no matter how much he has.
Thoughts of the Past
Post I wrote yesterday but didn't have the guts to publish.
Today I was driving home from taking Andrew to the train station a song came on the radio that made me cry.
What About Now by Daughtry
Here are some selected parts that struck a chord with me and caused tears to come to my eyes over a past relationship that I am having a VERY hard time getting over. I know I need to but I'm scared of the unknown (and getting hurt again, I don't think I could handle it).
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
. . .
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
. . .
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
. . .
Then I was on Facebook and a quote popped up in my news feed that was the complete opposite of what I was feeling: "God will sometimes end a relationship to protect you ... so stop trying to chase after the person he's trying to save you from," -Trent Shelton.
The last few weeks, people have been telling me that the guy I have strong feelings for has changed, that he isn't the same person he was 7 months ago. That I'm better off without him and I'll be happier. So just over a month ago I told myself that they were right, that I need to forget him, this started with not texting him (I kinda did it to see if he'd notice) so a month and a week went by and I didn't contact him at all. He didn't notice, well he never texted me or anything, so I assume that he has forgotten about me. I broke today - I texted him 2 letters, Hi. He texted me back, but I never answered, and I don't plan on it because I regret sending that stupid text. I am convinced that now I am mostly over him. Pay attention to the word mostly. This kind of leads to something else that came up today.
A friend of mine posted about being broken, and how it's okay to be a little broken and how everyone is at least a little bit. This made me realize that for a long time, I have taken the attitude that just because something is a little broken that you don't completely give up on it, so that is how I saw him. He's a little (or a lot) broken, but that doesn't make him unlovable or not worth the time. I think that some people just are too broken within themselves that they can't see what they are really worth, that they are a loved child if God and that they are worth everything, there isn't anything that makes them have any less worth in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. So I try to see people that way for the most part (there are some that are harder than others).
This is big for me, and I think that I am ready to move one but the feelings of the past came so strongly and it made me ache so much for the simplicity of the past.
Today I was driving home from taking Andrew to the train station a song came on the radio that made me cry.
What About Now by Daughtry
Here are some selected parts that struck a chord with me and caused tears to come to my eyes over a past relationship that I am having a VERY hard time getting over. I know I need to but I'm scared of the unknown (and getting hurt again, I don't think I could handle it).
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
. . .
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
. . .
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?
. . .
Then I was on Facebook and a quote popped up in my news feed that was the complete opposite of what I was feeling: "God will sometimes end a relationship to protect you ... so stop trying to chase after the person he's trying to save you from," -Trent Shelton.
The last few weeks, people have been telling me that the guy I have strong feelings for has changed, that he isn't the same person he was 7 months ago. That I'm better off without him and I'll be happier. So just over a month ago I told myself that they were right, that I need to forget him, this started with not texting him (I kinda did it to see if he'd notice) so a month and a week went by and I didn't contact him at all. He didn't notice, well he never texted me or anything, so I assume that he has forgotten about me. I broke today - I texted him 2 letters, Hi. He texted me back, but I never answered, and I don't plan on it because I regret sending that stupid text. I am convinced that now I am mostly over him. Pay attention to the word mostly. This kind of leads to something else that came up today.
A friend of mine posted about being broken, and how it's okay to be a little broken and how everyone is at least a little bit. This made me realize that for a long time, I have taken the attitude that just because something is a little broken that you don't completely give up on it, so that is how I saw him. He's a little (or a lot) broken, but that doesn't make him unlovable or not worth the time. I think that some people just are too broken within themselves that they can't see what they are really worth, that they are a loved child if God and that they are worth everything, there isn't anything that makes them have any less worth in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. So I try to see people that way for the most part (there are some that are harder than others).
This is big for me, and I think that I am ready to move one but the feelings of the past came so strongly and it made me ache so much for the simplicity of the past.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
The End? This is a Short one.
Hello All!
I am not sure whether to continue writing this blog because since I am home I'm not really on an "adventure" anymore.
Then I thought of this - I'm now starting on this new chapter in my life, so maybe I'll just continue this as my adventure into true adulthood and just make sure to include a post that talks about my new adventure that I am going on. Yeah, I like that. I'm so smart *not* but this idea works for me. Agreed? Let me know! :)
I am not sure whether to continue writing this blog because since I am home I'm not really on an "adventure" anymore.
Then I thought of this - I'm now starting on this new chapter in my life, so maybe I'll just continue this as my adventure into true adulthood and just make sure to include a post that talks about my new adventure that I am going on. Yeah, I like that. I'm so smart *not* but this idea works for me. Agreed? Let me know! :)
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Flaws? Yes.
Today has just been one of those days that I have thought a lot about the flaws that I have. I had this thought that I am not perfect, and the flaws far outweigh the good things. I went to the beach today,thinking it would be a fun thing to do in the midst of finals - I just up and decided it. So I didn't prepare or put on sunscreen. I got extremely toasted - it doesn't hurt me, but I am cold and tired, but most other people have noticed... it is a little embarrassing. In any case, I thought that I would write down the things that I don't like about myself (mostly physical) that I fully intend are changing, but haven't had the encouragement to yet.
I'm saying all of this because since summer is coming, although I will have work, I believe that I will have more time to actually exercise and get to the place that I want to be (physically as well as spiritually, don't worry)
I don't like my teeth - they aren't super bad from the front, but any other angle and they look really yucky. I want braces SO bad but I don't know if it will ever actually happen.
I don't like my abdominal area. There's fat there and it stops me from wearing some clothes that are really cute because they make my fat do weird things.
I don't like my legs. They're fat and I hate them, especially my thighs - I do intend on making them smaller because I need new jeans and I don't want to buy more just to have them get baggy eventually.
I don't like my upper arms. They're jiggly and I miss back in my senior year when they were pretty darn toned for me.
I don't really like my bum. Its kinda big and it makes skirts hard to wear because they're always higher in the back than the front.
I dislike my hips. They're really wide and it makes buying pants and skirts difficult. I've been told that I can fix that too, but I don't know how.
There are also personality traits that drive me insane, but I just don't know what to do about them.
I watch too much TV and don't get things done. Seriously, if I have things to do I WILL leave it until the last minute, sometimes it turns out okay, other times not so much.
I love the sun and being outside, but the sun hates me.
I also read too much. When I get a book there's a part of my brain that thinks that I have to finish it in a day (unless its either a bad book then I take it back, or its just boring)
I hold on to things for WAAAYYY too long. I don't get over liking someone and it causes me pain and then I'm sad a lot of the time.
I make decisions that I regret in emotionalness or anger - a lot. I do things that I don't mean to do and think to myself "why did I do that".
I also like people really fast, and I always like the completely wrong person. I realize this now, and it probably will be the reason that I'm going to be single for my whole life.
When I'm sad I listen to sad songs that make me cry because when I was younger I never cried, so somehow I think I can makeup for all the years of dry eyes.
So overall, I just don't understand why anyone can even think of me in anything but a negative way because there are so many bad things about me than good things. If I knew myself I think I would hate myself . . . and I don't know what to do about it.
Now that I think, there are a few things I like about myself:
My eyes, they're pretty and blue. My wrists, they're small, bony and dainty. My collarbone, it is not covered in fat. My feet, they're not too big and not too small. My height, I can date almost guy and he'll most likely be taller than me.
That's all for now.
If you're reading this and you didn't get to it through Facebook, props to you.
I'm saying all of this because since summer is coming, although I will have work, I believe that I will have more time to actually exercise and get to the place that I want to be (physically as well as spiritually, don't worry)
I don't like my teeth - they aren't super bad from the front, but any other angle and they look really yucky. I want braces SO bad but I don't know if it will ever actually happen.
I don't like my abdominal area. There's fat there and it stops me from wearing some clothes that are really cute because they make my fat do weird things.
I don't like my legs. They're fat and I hate them, especially my thighs - I do intend on making them smaller because I need new jeans and I don't want to buy more just to have them get baggy eventually.
I don't like my upper arms. They're jiggly and I miss back in my senior year when they were pretty darn toned for me.
I don't really like my bum. Its kinda big and it makes skirts hard to wear because they're always higher in the back than the front.
I dislike my hips. They're really wide and it makes buying pants and skirts difficult. I've been told that I can fix that too, but I don't know how.
There are also personality traits that drive me insane, but I just don't know what to do about them.
I watch too much TV and don't get things done. Seriously, if I have things to do I WILL leave it until the last minute, sometimes it turns out okay, other times not so much.
I love the sun and being outside, but the sun hates me.
I also read too much. When I get a book there's a part of my brain that thinks that I have to finish it in a day (unless its either a bad book then I take it back, or its just boring)
I hold on to things for WAAAYYY too long. I don't get over liking someone and it causes me pain and then I'm sad a lot of the time.
I make decisions that I regret in emotionalness or anger - a lot. I do things that I don't mean to do and think to myself "why did I do that".
I also like people really fast, and I always like the completely wrong person. I realize this now, and it probably will be the reason that I'm going to be single for my whole life.
When I'm sad I listen to sad songs that make me cry because when I was younger I never cried, so somehow I think I can makeup for all the years of dry eyes.
So overall, I just don't understand why anyone can even think of me in anything but a negative way because there are so many bad things about me than good things. If I knew myself I think I would hate myself . . . and I don't know what to do about it.
Now that I think, there are a few things I like about myself:
My eyes, they're pretty and blue. My wrists, they're small, bony and dainty. My collarbone, it is not covered in fat. My feet, they're not too big and not too small. My height, I can date almost guy and he'll most likely be taller than me.
That's all for now.
If you're reading this and you didn't get to it through Facebook, props to you.
Monday, April 7, 2014
PCC - Polynesian Culture Center
Yay! Touristy day!
So this past Saturday my roomie and I, Litia, went to PCC (Polynesian Culture Center). I went way back in September, but it was during orientation and I didn't get to see much of the village so I wanted to go back. We did, and it was SO fun. I am so glad that she went with me and sacrificed her Saturday to have fun with moi! So here are some pictures! Yeah for pictures!
Just an FYI - these are not in chronological order, just random pictures from the day. The captions are below the pictures, in case you get confused - enjoy!
So this past Saturday my roomie and I, Litia, went to PCC (Polynesian Culture Center). I went way back in September, but it was during orientation and I didn't get to see much of the village so I wanted to go back. We did, and it was SO fun. I am so glad that she went with me and sacrificed her Saturday to have fun with moi! So here are some pictures! Yeah for pictures!
Just an FYI - these are not in chronological order, just random pictures from the day. The captions are below the pictures, in case you get confused - enjoy!
So this is us in front of the waterfall that you pass right when you actually enter the village (and it is edited, I am NOT that tan (or orange ;) ). We took this right at the beginning and it started a whole round of pictures.
Who likes canoe rides? We do! Well, I do. This is us on the big canoe ride, we weren't sitting next to each other because there were 2 seats open and they weren't next to each other, but it is A-Okay! I had fun, its a nice way to see a lot of the village without walking around for hours or seeing very much. But fun nonetheless.
Tonga Village! The Tonga show is easily the funniest of thole park, they get"volunteer" drummers (a white guy, and black guy and and Asian guy[not racist] - this was the line up for both times that I went.) They are just so entertaining and I was like falling over with laughter.
Lunch! Cost twice what we paid to get in :0. It was a "barbecue" pork sandwich which ended up just being really salty Kalua pork (we should have just gotten one sandwich.) I also got a fruit cup and Litia got fries, which were surprisingly delicious! It decided to rain quite heavily while we were eating which was pretty darn great timing because were were under an albeit leaky umbrella but an umbrella, and after we ate we resumed viewing the village.
Awkward Dark picture! This was us in the Hawaiian Experience thingy. Its just a movie about Hawaii and it was enjoyable I guess and the chairs moved and sprayed stuff on you! I wouldn't say it was the most fun 20 minutes of my life, but I hadn't gotten to go in September, so I wanted to experience everything.
In the Fiji village (where we hit bamboo sticks on the ground and they made cool sounds), we got the black paint! The one I got is the navigator one (there's stars!), and I got it on my ankle instead of my arm like last time. I'm a little childish, but that's okay :).
So there you are! My awesome experience kinda of PCC. I'm trying to be a good blogger and actually blog about things that are happening in my life, I'm slowly improving.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
I've Been Dreaming . . .
. . . of a true love's kiss! And the prince I'm hoping comes with this! :) Name that movie
Okay, so that's a interesting title, right? So while I've been at college, something has been brought to my mind. Kissing. Weird, I know, but I was talking with a friend last night and we were talking about relationships and dating. I realized that I don't do relationships very lightly. I didn't kiss anyone until I was almost 18 (the same time I had my first boyfriend - who was my first kiss), and still, I was dating him for a couple months before it even happened, and quite frankly I regret that kiss. I should have waited longer (or just had a brain and never kissed him in the first place - sorry...). Then when I got another boyfriend rather quickly, it took a seemingly LONG time for that kiss to happen (this one I was SO excited for because I really really liked him and I wanted to kiss him). And with that relationship it lasted nearly a year, but that's a completely different matter.
Any who, wilst talking to her she said that she would kiss someone she knew pretty easily. That surprised me because I am so not casual about kissing and I think that it should be reserved for committed relationships. I'm not sure why I have this idea, but I stand by it. Then today I was talking to another friend and she mentioned that she had kissed this guy, which surprised me a little (but not in a bad way, don't worry - you know who you are ;) ). I then said that I haven't kissed anyone since I started college, which kind of makes me sad because even though I hate being single - probably because I wasn't single for such a long time - I'm not going to get into a relationship quickly just so I don't have to be single anymore.
So I want to know, do YOU think that kissing should be reserved for a serious relationship or if its okay if you kiss people that you know really well but aren't necessarily in a relationship with, and have no intentions to? Please let me know, and I am really curious about all you married people's opinions out there! :)
Okay, so that's a interesting title, right? So while I've been at college, something has been brought to my mind. Kissing. Weird, I know, but I was talking with a friend last night and we were talking about relationships and dating. I realized that I don't do relationships very lightly. I didn't kiss anyone until I was almost 18 (the same time I had my first boyfriend - who was my first kiss), and still, I was dating him for a couple months before it even happened, and quite frankly I regret that kiss. I should have waited longer (or just had a brain and never kissed him in the first place - sorry...). Then when I got another boyfriend rather quickly, it took a seemingly LONG time for that kiss to happen (this one I was SO excited for because I really really liked him and I wanted to kiss him). And with that relationship it lasted nearly a year, but that's a completely different matter.
Any who, wilst talking to her she said that she would kiss someone she knew pretty easily. That surprised me because I am so not casual about kissing and I think that it should be reserved for committed relationships. I'm not sure why I have this idea, but I stand by it. Then today I was talking to another friend and she mentioned that she had kissed this guy, which surprised me a little (but not in a bad way, don't worry - you know who you are ;) ). I then said that I haven't kissed anyone since I started college, which kind of makes me sad because even though I hate being single - probably because I wasn't single for such a long time - I'm not going to get into a relationship quickly just so I don't have to be single anymore.
So I want to know, do YOU think that kissing should be reserved for a serious relationship or if its okay if you kiss people that you know really well but aren't necessarily in a relationship with, and have no intentions to? Please let me know, and I am really curious about all you married people's opinions out there! :)
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Can we just talk about food?
This post is about . . . yep, you guessed it . . . food!
This is something that I think about quite often, no, I do not have any disorders, but I think that it is something that I think about almost more than anything else. These last couple weeks have NOT been good for me food wise. I go to the cafeteria and I simply don't have any appetite for the food that is there, I am just SO sick of it. The thing that has kind of sustained me this week is blueberry bagels with cream cheese. Wow, I have NEVER really liked blueberries, but I tried it one day (they were out of plain bagels) and I liked it surprisingly enough. Most often I'll go in, get a plate and eat it and leave. I don't really mind, until its like 11 at night and I'm hungry. I used to have a bunch of snacks in my room, but they are all gone now and I haven't bought any more because I'm leaving in a week, so there's no point.
Today I have been pondering about how excited I am to have real food when I get home! I won't have to eat cafeteria food again! WOO HOO! I am also excited to cook! Its such a hassle here, so I am psyched to make meals that taste good and are healthier as well. At first I didn't mind, but after a while I just dread going into that darn cafeteria (except for breakfast because their breakfasts are awesome!).
So yes, I like food and I am so excited to eat real food!
This is something that I think about quite often, no, I do not have any disorders, but I think that it is something that I think about almost more than anything else. These last couple weeks have NOT been good for me food wise. I go to the cafeteria and I simply don't have any appetite for the food that is there, I am just SO sick of it. The thing that has kind of sustained me this week is blueberry bagels with cream cheese. Wow, I have NEVER really liked blueberries, but I tried it one day (they were out of plain bagels) and I liked it surprisingly enough. Most often I'll go in, get a plate and eat it and leave. I don't really mind, until its like 11 at night and I'm hungry. I used to have a bunch of snacks in my room, but they are all gone now and I haven't bought any more because I'm leaving in a week, so there's no point.
Today I have been pondering about how excited I am to have real food when I get home! I won't have to eat cafeteria food again! WOO HOO! I am also excited to cook! Its such a hassle here, so I am psyched to make meals that taste good and are healthier as well. At first I didn't mind, but after a while I just dread going into that darn cafeteria (except for breakfast because their breakfasts are awesome!).
So yes, I like food and I am so excited to eat real food!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
I Think I Have Freshmanitis
So its two weeks and a day until the final day of finals. I am SO done. This semester has passed really quickly in retrospect, but right now I just want it to be over.
Of course there are days when I wake up and feel so out of place that I don't want to get out of bed, that this isn't really my life. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. I still don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with my life, or where I am supposed to be, but I just feel like it isn't here. Is that weird?
Also, I don't even really have the energy to do any of my homework... I don't have much to begin with, so that probably leaves me with way too much empty time, but I just waste so much freaking time. Sometimes I'll literally just watch YouYube videos for hours on end and not even realize how much time has passed.
So there it is. I'm just done, and I finally really realized it. That's all for now.
Of course there are days when I wake up and feel so out of place that I don't want to get out of bed, that this isn't really my life. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore. I still don't know what exactly I'm supposed to do with my life, or where I am supposed to be, but I just feel like it isn't here. Is that weird?
Also, I don't even really have the energy to do any of my homework... I don't have much to begin with, so that probably leaves me with way too much empty time, but I just waste so much freaking time. Sometimes I'll literally just watch YouYube videos for hours on end and not even realize how much time has passed.
So there it is. I'm just done, and I finally really realized it. That's all for now.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Introducing Me
Yay! A post that is all about me! This may bore some of you, but I have been thinking a lot and there are a lot of things that I don't like, so I have been trying to figure out things that I do like. So here it goes, I'm not going to say a certain number, so I'll just list things until I think its pretty much covered the bases, okay? Good.
oreos - walks on the beach - hugs - sunshine - he is we - books - duck dynasty - my roommates - the shaytards - palm trees - Anita Stansfield's books - cookies and cream poptarts - t shirts - apples - french bread - my family - warm rain - curling my hair - yellowtone - camping - zoos - young womens - church - the book of mormon - making up names for my future kids - kenneth cope - salt lake city - taylor swift - netflix - straightening my hair - writing in my journal - chocolate - painting my nails - christmas - sweatpants -lifting weights - chapstick - hymns - watching movies - general conference - temple square - the utah mountains - the jonas brothers - pretending i have neat handwriting - snapchat - warm weather - writing blogposts - fried chicken - halloween - pasta - bread - ice cream - funfetti frosting - singing in the shower - musicals - watching ballet - romantic comedies - oh's cereal - long dresses and skirts - prom dresses - lace - disney music - sparkles - aquariums - orange - pink - seeing 3 AM - yellow - quotes - listening to my dad sing - watching the olympics - perfumes and stuff - frosted mini wheats - ultimate frisbee - shaved ice - frozen yogurt - friends - cop shows - my bed - long sleeve shirts - socks - ctr rings - sea world - pearl earrings - sleeping in - writing handwritten letters - ballroom dancing - fairy tales - sharks - watching beauty videos on youtube - steak - daisies - planning my future wedding -pinterest - smoothies - taking naps - having a boyfriend; i am currently single, unfortunately - laughing - lucky charms
So there you have it. Some things that i like. It's quite a list, and I'm sure it could be longer, but I quite frankly think that's long enough for now. I think eventually I'll write another post about the important thing that I dislike
oreos - walks on the beach - hugs - sunshine - he is we - books - duck dynasty - my roommates - the shaytards - palm trees - Anita Stansfield's books - cookies and cream poptarts - t shirts - apples - french bread - my family - warm rain - curling my hair - yellowtone - camping - zoos - young womens - church - the book of mormon - making up names for my future kids - kenneth cope - salt lake city - taylor swift - netflix - straightening my hair - writing in my journal - chocolate - painting my nails - christmas - sweatpants -lifting weights - chapstick - hymns - watching movies - general conference - temple square - the utah mountains - the jonas brothers - pretending i have neat handwriting - snapchat - warm weather - writing blogposts - fried chicken - halloween - pasta - bread - ice cream - funfetti frosting - singing in the shower - musicals - watching ballet - romantic comedies - oh's cereal - long dresses and skirts - prom dresses - lace - disney music - sparkles - aquariums - orange - pink - seeing 3 AM - yellow - quotes - listening to my dad sing - watching the olympics - perfumes and stuff - frosted mini wheats - ultimate frisbee - shaved ice - frozen yogurt - friends - cop shows - my bed - long sleeve shirts - socks - ctr rings - sea world - pearl earrings - sleeping in - writing handwritten letters - ballroom dancing - fairy tales - sharks - watching beauty videos on youtube - steak - daisies - planning my future wedding -pinterest - smoothies - taking naps - having a boyfriend; i am currently single, unfortunately - laughing - lucky charms
So there you have it. Some things that i like. It's quite a list, and I'm sure it could be longer, but I quite frankly think that's long enough for now. I think eventually I'll write another post about the important thing that I dislike
Saturday, March 15, 2014
He Knows
God knows what we need. He knows what we are going to go through, and how we are going to get through it.
I found an amazing quote on Pinterest and it makes me have a happy outlook for the future. "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be." This is SO true. There isn't a person in our lives that is just there by happenstance because no matter what they were to you, they had an effect on you. Even the smallest difference does make a difference.
The thing about this quote that makes me really think is that I can think about a person (or multiple people) that fulfill each of the different things. Of course, I have had those in my life who have hurt me, and through that I have learned what I am willing to accept and things that I am not willing to accept about myself and characteristics in others. There are those that love me (or at least I think they do) such as my family and friends - they make the most difference in my life because they are currently in my life for the most part. Sometimes I just like to take time to think of all the different types of people that I have in my life. There are those that I have met here in Hawaii, that I have had conversations with and then never talk to them again, there are those that I used to spend time with but have stopped, for various reasons, and there are those that I talk to in classes, but not really outside of those certain classes.
No matter who you are or where you are, you are interacting with people therefore your influence is being put in their life no matter how large or small it is. It also makes me think, "Who am I to [insert name here] and what affect do I want to have on them?"
For the longest time, I didn't think that people were very important to me. I was fine with just being alone, reading a book or watching TV or movies. I still enjoy those things, but now I am working on this still, and making the effort to do stuff with people is tough sometimes. The last little while I have been spending more time with people and have been out of my room.
Today quite a few really great things happened, I went to Stake Conference and that was so awesome. I do like conferences, often I forget about them or am busy and have something else going on (unfortunately). I had an issue, so I needed a mother's advice and it was so helpful. Throughout the years I have treated my amazing mother with less than the right amount of respect, but not being around her has made me miss her so much, and I'm so glad that I know that I can call her most of the time (sometimes she is bust and can't talk, but usually it's pretty good). So, yeah, if you didn't know that mom, its true, I do love you even if I went years thinking I didn't. I also have some amazing friends who are just flat out amazing and I am so excited to live near them again because I definitely took friends for granted in high school, especially here when I don't have an abundance like I do in Utah, and all over because quite a few are on missions.
Saturday's tend to be very reflective, so deepish thoughts are in my mind. OH! Also, if anyone has a blog, please let me know! I love reading all sorts of blogs because they are just awesome! Thanks a bunch :).
I found an amazing quote on Pinterest and it makes me have a happy outlook for the future. "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be." This is SO true. There isn't a person in our lives that is just there by happenstance because no matter what they were to you, they had an effect on you. Even the smallest difference does make a difference.
The thing about this quote that makes me really think is that I can think about a person (or multiple people) that fulfill each of the different things. Of course, I have had those in my life who have hurt me, and through that I have learned what I am willing to accept and things that I am not willing to accept about myself and characteristics in others. There are those that love me (or at least I think they do) such as my family and friends - they make the most difference in my life because they are currently in my life for the most part. Sometimes I just like to take time to think of all the different types of people that I have in my life. There are those that I have met here in Hawaii, that I have had conversations with and then never talk to them again, there are those that I used to spend time with but have stopped, for various reasons, and there are those that I talk to in classes, but not really outside of those certain classes.
No matter who you are or where you are, you are interacting with people therefore your influence is being put in their life no matter how large or small it is. It also makes me think, "Who am I to [insert name here] and what affect do I want to have on them?"
For the longest time, I didn't think that people were very important to me. I was fine with just being alone, reading a book or watching TV or movies. I still enjoy those things, but now I am working on this still, and making the effort to do stuff with people is tough sometimes. The last little while I have been spending more time with people and have been out of my room.
Today quite a few really great things happened, I went to Stake Conference and that was so awesome. I do like conferences, often I forget about them or am busy and have something else going on (unfortunately). I had an issue, so I needed a mother's advice and it was so helpful. Throughout the years I have treated my amazing mother with less than the right amount of respect, but not being around her has made me miss her so much, and I'm so glad that I know that I can call her most of the time (sometimes she is bust and can't talk, but usually it's pretty good). So, yeah, if you didn't know that mom, its true, I do love you even if I went years thinking I didn't. I also have some amazing friends who are just flat out amazing and I am so excited to live near them again because I definitely took friends for granted in high school, especially here when I don't have an abundance like I do in Utah, and all over because quite a few are on missions.
Saturday's tend to be very reflective, so deepish thoughts are in my mind. OH! Also, if anyone has a blog, please let me know! I love reading all sorts of blogs because they are just awesome! Thanks a bunch :).
Sunday, March 9, 2014
The Gospel
Happy Sunday night to everyone! Its about 7:30 right now, and I decided to post this.
Today at church I tried REALLY hard to pay attention. Usually I'm on Pinterest the whole time, but today I made an effort to pay close attention and really try to learn something from the talks and lessons.
Sacrament meeting was really good, and I wrote stuff down - yay for me! It helps when you actually know who the speakers are :). I also highlighted some things on my phone. Here they are:
So this picture was given to the men, but I think the highlighted section applies to everyone. There really are times when we think that we can't possibly get anywhere, but we really just have to push through it and surround ourselves with people that make us want to get somewhere. Which is something that I have been trying to do, and have taken quite big strides if I do say so myself.
This little segment was so great to me. When Clint pointed out this quote, I thought that it was so stinking true. Every time we make a decision, it usually leads one way or the other in the end. It may take a hard turn, and make you unhappy for a time, but later, making that hard decision and getting through it could yield so many blessings that may never have come about without making that decision. One choice that I KNOW will lead to happiness - duh - is the Gospel. It is something that doesn't lead to unhappiness. For some, it may be hard to give up lifestyle choices, but in the end, it will lead to only happy things that make you so much better than you could have had.
In Sunday School the lesson was on "Marriage in the Covenant". Our teacher was great, and it was interesting to hear what a single adult ward thinks of it. I'd only ever had this lesson in family wards, so it was different. Everyone seemed to be a little bitter about it... like, they were upset that they weren't married yet. Then there's me, who is 19 and SO not ready to be married. And since people I know are either engaged, dating seriously or already married, I am torn between whether I feel pressured to go on a mission or hurry up and get married. I'm not seriously looking to marry anyone, I still think I'm too young even though I do know people who married when they were my age (or a little older - like my mom) who are happily married.
So, yeah, it was quite an experience listening to what they thought about it.
I think that I have come to a decision of sorts. I am pretty sure that I want to go on a mission. The only issue is that I am SO not ready yet. Not in the way that I have things to repent of or anything, but I am so not up to the spiritual standard. I was thinking about it today, and I am thinking that I am going to see what happens when I turn 20. And if I feel like I'm kinda ready I'll prep and go, and if not, I'll wait some more until I'm 21. If that offends anyone, I'm sorry, but just because the age was lowered, doesn't mean everyone has to go when they are 19. If you're ready then, good for you, but some of us still have some growing to do.
See, I can be spiritual sometimes... OH! Last week, not this last one, but the one before that, I went to the temple to do baptisms. I wasn't able to physically do them, but actually making the effort to go made a difference. And we have ward baptisms this week, and I think that I am going to try my darnedest to go.
Today at church I tried REALLY hard to pay attention. Usually I'm on Pinterest the whole time, but today I made an effort to pay close attention and really try to learn something from the talks and lessons.
Sacrament meeting was really good, and I wrote stuff down - yay for me! It helps when you actually know who the speakers are :). I also highlighted some things on my phone. Here they are:
So this picture was given to the men, but I think the highlighted section applies to everyone. There really are times when we think that we can't possibly get anywhere, but we really just have to push through it and surround ourselves with people that make us want to get somewhere. Which is something that I have been trying to do, and have taken quite big strides if I do say so myself.
This little segment was so great to me. When Clint pointed out this quote, I thought that it was so stinking true. Every time we make a decision, it usually leads one way or the other in the end. It may take a hard turn, and make you unhappy for a time, but later, making that hard decision and getting through it could yield so many blessings that may never have come about without making that decision. One choice that I KNOW will lead to happiness - duh - is the Gospel. It is something that doesn't lead to unhappiness. For some, it may be hard to give up lifestyle choices, but in the end, it will lead to only happy things that make you so much better than you could have had.
In Sunday School the lesson was on "Marriage in the Covenant". Our teacher was great, and it was interesting to hear what a single adult ward thinks of it. I'd only ever had this lesson in family wards, so it was different. Everyone seemed to be a little bitter about it... like, they were upset that they weren't married yet. Then there's me, who is 19 and SO not ready to be married. And since people I know are either engaged, dating seriously or already married, I am torn between whether I feel pressured to go on a mission or hurry up and get married. I'm not seriously looking to marry anyone, I still think I'm too young even though I do know people who married when they were my age (or a little older - like my mom) who are happily married.
So, yeah, it was quite an experience listening to what they thought about it.
I think that I have come to a decision of sorts. I am pretty sure that I want to go on a mission. The only issue is that I am SO not ready yet. Not in the way that I have things to repent of or anything, but I am so not up to the spiritual standard. I was thinking about it today, and I am thinking that I am going to see what happens when I turn 20. And if I feel like I'm kinda ready I'll prep and go, and if not, I'll wait some more until I'm 21. If that offends anyone, I'm sorry, but just because the age was lowered, doesn't mean everyone has to go when they are 19. If you're ready then, good for you, but some of us still have some growing to do.
See, I can be spiritual sometimes... OH! Last week, not this last one, but the one before that, I went to the temple to do baptisms. I wasn't able to physically do them, but actually making the effort to go made a difference. And we have ward baptisms this week, and I think that I am going to try my darnedest to go.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Sides Within Myself
Right now, I am seriously confused and at odds with myself.
So, there's this guy at home that I have really strong feelings for, at least, I think I do. I am going through an internal battle with myself about him. I am torn between trying to figure out if it could ever go anywhere beyond where it was at before I left him... or if I want to meet someone who will make me feel like I did when I was with him. I don't know if I want someone to come along and make me forget about him or try to make it work... I'm just so confused, and he isn't helping - every time I try to ask a question he won't answer, and its tearing me apart.
How do you give so much time to someone and just expect to have them out of your mind and heart within a few months? Well that isn't happening for me. I love him, and I don't want to give, I try not to give up on things that are a little bit broken (something I always told him because he is so much better than he thinks).
I found a song that I think applies to this situation a bit, how I feel at least: Never Stop by Safetysuit. It's one of the most romantic songs, and someday I want someone to feel that way about me because I'm starting to feel like I'm unlovable...
So, there's this guy at home that I have really strong feelings for, at least, I think I do. I am going through an internal battle with myself about him. I am torn between trying to figure out if it could ever go anywhere beyond where it was at before I left him... or if I want to meet someone who will make me feel like I did when I was with him. I don't know if I want someone to come along and make me forget about him or try to make it work... I'm just so confused, and he isn't helping - every time I try to ask a question he won't answer, and its tearing me apart.
How do you give so much time to someone and just expect to have them out of your mind and heart within a few months? Well that isn't happening for me. I love him, and I don't want to give, I try not to give up on things that are a little bit broken (something I always told him because he is so much better than he thinks).
I found a song that I think applies to this situation a bit, how I feel at least: Never Stop by Safetysuit. It's one of the most romantic songs, and someday I want someone to feel that way about me because I'm starting to feel like I'm unlovable...
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Woah
Well it has been a long while since I have posted anything... I keep meaning to, and then I get halfway through a post and get distracted and don't post it.
On the upside, there are less than 40 days until I get to go home and begin yet another new chapter of my life. I am both excited and really scared for this. One thing that I'm scared that I'm going to meet someone (a guy specifically) and I'm going to fall in love with him, think that its a good idea to get married and in the future have it end badly. I have this little plan in my head that I know who I would prefer to marry, and if we did it wouldn't be exactly easy, but it would be a good marriage if we both put all we have into it. This is in my mind because quite a few of the people that I went to school with are either engaged or already married. There are others that are getting married and I am really excited for them, and others that amaze me because they're my age and ready to be married and here I am in love with someone who I don't have a clue what is going on. I am so not ready to be married yet, and I hope that it does happen eventually because I really want kids. I have realized how much I miss kids by not being around them. But no, I'm not going to go out and have a baby, I will wait for the right time and hope that I find the right man to marry and have kids with.
I have a lot of big decisions coming up in the next year. I get to find somewhere to live on my own, outside of my parents house in Lehi. I get to figure out how to run a business, go to school and have a job. I get to freaking figure out what I want to do with my education. Geez, if I find time to breathe when I get back to Utah I will be happy.
Fortunately, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the coming month here in Hawaii. I have field trips galore coming up in my conservation biology class that I am so excited for. I'll let you know when they get closer. I have made some friends and I am getting comfortable here, right before I leave which is okay because a lot of people aren't even staying for summer anyway.
So, yeah, that's all my brain can think of right now... I've been a little overloaded the last little while, so here's an insight into my crazay life.
I have a lot of big decisions coming up in the next year. I get to find somewhere to live on my own, outside of my parents house in Lehi. I get to figure out how to run a business, go to school and have a job. I get to freaking figure out what I want to do with my education. Geez, if I find time to breathe when I get back to Utah I will be happy.
Fortunately, I have a lot of things to look forward to in the coming month here in Hawaii. I have field trips galore coming up in my conservation biology class that I am so excited for. I'll let you know when they get closer. I have made some friends and I am getting comfortable here, right before I leave which is okay because a lot of people aren't even staying for summer anyway.
So, yeah, that's all my brain can think of right now... I've been a little overloaded the last little while, so here's an insight into my crazay life.
"Insert Witty Title Here"
Here's a post I wrote but didn't end... I don't know where my brain left off, but here is the part that I wrote all in one sitting. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense to anyone.
Its been a while since I've posted, so, sorry about that. Not a whole lot has happened in the last few weeks, classes have been in full swing and i think that I may be really starting to get the hang of my schedule that I have set for myself. One thing that has been going on is that I have been exercising regularly. For my fitness class I have to do at least 3 30 minute cardio workouts and 2 resistance workouts a week. It was weird at first, and I was hesitant to go into the fitness center because I am not comfortable running outside (it kills me). And this past week I found out the fitness center has a women's hour from 6-6:45 Tuesday and Thursday. This made me so excited! I love lifting weights thanks to taking weightlifting my senior year, and being able to go into the weight room without a billion guys in there lifting at least twice as much as I can is awesome. So i went and there were only like 3 or 4 other girls in there. Today my friend Amanda and I went and worked out, and there were guys in there as well so I just did my thing not really caring what they thought, it was a pretty big step for me with all my self confidence issues that I have. After working out I smelled about as far from a springtime meadow as possible, I could smell myself - I feel sorry for anyone in the vicinity and my beautiful scent from nearly an hour of gettin' my heart rate up! If I can walk without pain in a day or two, its because I didn't work hard enough!
Its been a while since I've posted, so, sorry about that. Not a whole lot has happened in the last few weeks, classes have been in full swing and i think that I may be really starting to get the hang of my schedule that I have set for myself. One thing that has been going on is that I have been exercising regularly. For my fitness class I have to do at least 3 30 minute cardio workouts and 2 resistance workouts a week. It was weird at first, and I was hesitant to go into the fitness center because I am not comfortable running outside (it kills me). And this past week I found out the fitness center has a women's hour from 6-6:45 Tuesday and Thursday. This made me so excited! I love lifting weights thanks to taking weightlifting my senior year, and being able to go into the weight room without a billion guys in there lifting at least twice as much as I can is awesome. So i went and there were only like 3 or 4 other girls in there. Today my friend Amanda and I went and worked out, and there were guys in there as well so I just did my thing not really caring what they thought, it was a pretty big step for me with all my self confidence issues that I have. After working out I smelled about as far from a springtime meadow as possible, I could smell myself - I feel sorry for anyone in the vicinity and my beautiful scent from nearly an hour of gettin' my heart rate up! If I can walk without pain in a day or two, its because I didn't work hard enough!
So I have been thinking about relationships a lot lately. I react weirdly to them, and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing or if it is just a thing that happens. Mostly referring to people of the male specimen. I have had quite a few (mostly) close guy friends. Through high school, it seemed like I much rather would have been with guys than with girls (especially my junior year) and the trend repeated itself during the end of senior year and into the summer. I don't know what it is, because I don't exactly enjoy the same things as guys, but I would have rather been sitting in a corner watching guys play video games than to be at home doing something else. Eventually I caught on to the Frisbee thing, thank heavens, and going to play Frisbee was seriously something I looked forward to - for multiple reasons ;). When quite a few of my friends left on missions, it was weird to think that these people that I had grown close to over a relatively short amount of time were going out to serve the Lord and that I wouldn't be able to see them for quite a while. Most specifically, when Bryant left in July (he's been out for 7 months already!!!). It was so weird not having him around for the rest of the summer. It really bummed me out when I wasn't able to go to Jared's farewell in October because I was here. I miss him quite a lot because I really like him as a friend. Oh goodness, I miss my missionaries...
In addition to friends, I have been thinking about all the guys that I have liked through the years. And there have been a LOT of them. It seemed like more often than not, I tended to either have a crush on the one guy that everyone had a crush on, or someone that it seemed like I was the only one. But it didn't matter to me, if I liked them, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.
Eventually I got over all of them except one. And I was thinking about that relationship again, and it was quite different than any other relationship I've ever had because it became more than a relationship kinda fast and kinda not. Like, in retrospect, 2 months isn't very long, but I've seen people meet, date for little more than 2 months and get engaged. In my defense, I did get to know him as a friend and a person before I started to like him. I mean, I thought he was really cute (I still do) and it was surprisingly easy to talk to him, but I honestly never thought that I would date him. And it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought, I even told Hannah when I started to like him, which kind of surprised me.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Gratitude
I worked out yesterday, I am determined to do some type of exercise everyday, and I walked at 4 miles an hour for half an hour and I didn't really get winded or tired. I actually made me feel happy, which no exercise has ever done except playing Ultimate Frisbee with all of my most favoritest people. My classes went well and I finished reading an amazing book, I love LDS suspense novels, they are just the most awesome books ever.
Today was SO much better than Tuesday. I woke up with a smile on my face, and I felt that today was going to be good. I was so right. I had a delicious breakfast that was pretty well rounded and it was awesome to eat and not feel sick at all. I had to do a video assignment and although it was embarrassing, I did it anyway. I went to my recitation for Chem Lab and I feel pretty prepared and ready for the beginner lab about measurements. Biology was pretty good as well, my professor was like less than 5 minutes late, and he was at a meeting, so he brought us food which was quite yummy. Our discussion was cool and I learned things that I hadn't had any idea about, and also realized that I know so little about some biological concepts. I do like that class, and I'm excited about it... Once again, tonight I worked out. I did both resistance stuff and cardio. I did crunches, push ups, tricep thingies, bodyweight squats and planks. Then I went to the fitness center and ran on the elliptical machine for half hour. I legitimately enjoyed it, and it is kind of a release for me now. It is so much easier to run inside than inside.
On to the gratitude part:
1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Jesus concerning you.
As I was just going through my day, I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.
- I am thankful that I am relatively healthy
- I am thankful that I am here in Hawaii, to be with the beauty and to study
- I am thankful that I have family that believes in me, and that they are willing to help me in my schooling
- I am thankful for the friends that I have made here in Hawaii
- I am grateful for prayer and scripture study
- I am grateful that it is a new year and I am able to make changes in my life to make it better
- I am thankful for my family back home, and their support for me, no matter my decision
- I'm so grateful that I have learned more of who I am while I've been here, and that I know how to live without someone really supporting me.
Well there it is, I am a happy person at this moment and I am trying really hard to improve my life, trying to make a life for myself and achieve the goals that I have set for myself.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Yuckish Day
Well today has not been full of shining moments. I woke up at like 8:30 and felt fine, and as usual I waited about an hour to go and get breakfast because if I try to eat before then, I get sick. And YES, I have tried, and I do get sick every time, no matter how much I want to eat. Anywho - so I got up and was going to go at like 9:15, but I decided not to. Good thing I was in my room because I threw up. Its happened a couple times before, and I only do it once and then I feel fine for the rest of the day. So after, I decided to go eat anyway, I started out with a glass of Sprite just to be safe and waited a bit and then decided I was well enough to eat some food. I ate french toast and it stayed down just great throughout the day.
I cleaned and went to Conservation Biology and then got lunch with some friends. It was nothing really special, but I didn't eat much because throwing up is my least favorite of all types of sicknesses.
So I did all kinds of homework, felt pretty accomplished and - shocker of all shockers - I decided to go and exercise on my own time. I need to for my fitness class, so decided to start now. I just started out easy, walking at a brisk pace on the treadmill. I went just over 2 miles in just over 30 minutes and I was exhausted. I was sweating like mad and I bet a smelled just like a fresh meadow of flowers. *sarcasm* So by the and, about 2 minutes from the end of my cool down, my stomach decided that it didn't want to have whatever it was in my stomach. So I ran to the bathroom. I changed back into my clothes, returned the schools shorts because mine aren't long enough, and made my way back to my room. On the way out, the lights in the CAC went out. I don't think I've ever been in that dark of a place. It scared the crap out of me. It came back on, and was all good.
When I was about back to my room my stomach once again decided it didn't like what was in it. So I pretty much just didn't have any food in my stomach. I was all shaky and felt like i was going to pass out. I quickly went to the cafeteria and ate a filling dinner. So, yeah, its not wonder that I have never had a good experience with exercising. It doesn't make me feel good, well, lifting weights does but its so daunting with a room full of buff guys lifting weights. . . I hope to get over it eventually, but I'm not there yet.
There is my less than amazing day. I hope the rest of the week goes better, I really would like it to.
Life is, well Life.
-Jaz
Sunday, January 19, 2014
January is half way over!
Whoa! Where did January go? I got here on the first, and now it is almost the 20th. I have had 2 weeks of classes, and they're going fine, and I am learning how to balance them a little bit.
Today at church, I tried to pay more attention to the speakers and teachers, but I had a little issue because I was so stinking hungry. I was also trying to pay attention to the spirit and only write down what I felt I needed to get out of what various people were saying.
Here's some of what I got out of today:
~We don't read the scriptures to understand them perfectly, we read them to be cleansed from the inside out.
~When we read the scriptures, we are allowing the Lord to be able to change and improve us.
~Happiness comes from our obedience. (I had heard this before, but I thought it needed to be repeated because I know that it is important)
~We trust people and our hearts get broken, we're human.
So, yeah. That was the uplifting parts of church.
I also finally wrote down my New Years Resolutions. I am not really a resolutions person because I have never been able to keep them, but I am really going to try hard this year. I tried to make them meaningful to me, and the things that I need to improve upon, but aren't to specific or difficult that it will be a challenge to achieve them. I am putting them here to have them somewhere other than the piece of paper I wrote them on, and so that some other people have seen them so I kinda have someone to kick me in the butt if I get so far off.
My goals to achieve sometime this year, to make a better Jasmine:
more exercise
meaningful scripture study
patience
listening ear
save
read more books
laugh more
less junk food
positivity
positive blog posts, with pictures
continue to keep the sabbath
let go of bitterness
So there they are. They may not make the most sense, but for me things are all about the little victories. I'm not a person that likes big change, or is really capable of it (in my experience so far). Moving here was the most abrupt thing I've done and it hasn't been easy, and I have kinda lost myself. I haven't been doing the things I love to do, around the people that I love. I haven't really made myself at home here, because I know that eventually it will end - I try not to get too attached to things because it is just easier for me that way. I am trying t figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I want to do with myself and I think that these resolutions will help me to figure that out.
This year is going to be one of big changes, and hopefully by 2105 I will be a little more on track to be the person that I know that Lord knows I can be. I also hope that someday, I can find the right guy for me because honestly, I have so much emotional baggage that I don't think I am going to find someone who is willing to put up with me and all the problems that I know come with me. I am trying, but change hard. Luckily nobody said it was easy.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Solitarily Social
I think, after months of being here in Hawaii, I have finally figured out what to call myself.
Solitarily Social.
This may not make sense to anyone else but me, but let me explain. I love people, my mom pointed this out to be a couple years ago, and overall, people, especially close family, has brought me out of rough spots in my life. There was a time that I was very nearly depressed, so my mom started having people over a couple times a month, and I loved it.
While being here, I have tried to make an effort to make friends, but more often than not, it is just a small interaction every few days, and nothing else. To be quite honest, I don't really mind this. I try not to trust too easily because I have been hurt deeply by people I have trusted.
Anyways, being here, and after going home for Christmas. I realized something really strange. I love being around people and most times I will take the opportunity to be around others. I also love being alone. I love to read a book or just watch TV. Most of my weekend nights are spent in my room either watching Netflix or reading a book or doing homework (rarely). Its a strange thing, and I don't know if its necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I spend probably too much time alone and think too much and stuff.
So there are my thoughts, and they're semi interesting today. Does this make sense to anyone else? Or does anyone else feel this way about themselves as well?
Lots of Happy wishes from Hawaii,
Jaz
Anyways, being here, and after going home for Christmas. I realized something really strange. I love being around people and most times I will take the opportunity to be around others. I also love being alone. I love to read a book or just watch TV. Most of my weekend nights are spent in my room either watching Netflix or reading a book or doing homework (rarely). Its a strange thing, and I don't know if its necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I spend probably too much time alone and think too much and stuff.
So there are my thoughts, and they're semi interesting today. Does this make sense to anyone else? Or does anyone else feel this way about themselves as well?
Lots of Happy wishes from Hawaii,
Jaz
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Back In "Paradise"
It has been quite month for me. So much has happened, and I find it really hard to believe that it has been a month since I last posted.
So, since I last posted, I have finished my finals. I took all 5 finals, and they were pretty good. I didn't do horrible on any of them, and I got a 3.6 GPA at the end of it all. My BOM final wasn't bad, it was on our own time and I got 100% woo hoo! My math final came out at like 88% or something like that. I got like a 95% on my Hawaiian Studies oral final with my 'ohana and we felt so relieved when it was finished. My english final essay went well and my research paper was graded as pretty good. My biology final was really short and I was the third to last final person to finish (it was only 39 questions long). So overall, it was great. I finished on the Thursday and went to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug with my friend Annette and it was such a blast and a lovely way to end my first semester of college.
When I woke up on Friday Morning, I realized that I literally wouldn't have anything to do until Tuesday, when I was set to go back to Utah. So, my amazing Daddy found a way for me to get home. I flew out of Honolulu on Saturday night, and landed in Las Vegas Sunday Morning. I didn't make the flights on standby and so once again, my parents saved the day and bought me a plane ticket. I chilled there for 7 hours. The most boring 7 hours of my life. Anyways, when I got back to Utah it was really great. It was so amazing to be back in Utah, and Utah Valley covered in snow from the air is a breathtaking sight. I was so excited to be home, even though I had no idea when I would be coming back to Hawaii.
I had a nice time in Utah, I didn't do much outside of my house, unfortunately. I got to see my BESTEST friend in the world. Hannah. She was the first person not in my family that I went to see because I just couldn't wait any longer. We planned a double date with our significant others and I was so excited to spend time with Brendan... unfortunately for my tender heart, he didn't want anything to do with me. So, we didn't go and he and I ended up breaking up. I'm still not over it, and it literally shattered my heart. I never thought I would go through so much emotional turmoil because of love. It probably isn't good to spend so much time thinking about what went wrong, what signs there were that I ignored, and what I could have done to make him at least tell me when he started to not care anymore. It breaks my heart, and have a few feels and tears every once in a while.
Being back at school at least keeps me semi occupied. I have a pretty rigorous class schedule and homework is quite substantial. Luckily, I have been managing it pretty well so far, and I am hoping that it stays that way. So, this is my last semester at BYU Hawaii. I am moving back to Utah in April, I am not exactly sure what is going to happen after I leave here, but I know that being here is not where I am supposed to be anymore. I still don't know if my major will be something be biological, or in social work. But now that I think about it, is that maybe meteorology again. If I study tornadoes and try to do a lot of research, I could help people and study the natural world. So yeah, maybe I'll take Marsha's advice and go on a mission and after I get back, things will work out.
There are my late night thoughts. It really isn't that late here, but I am tired, but I know if I don't get my thoughts and feelings down here, I will forget the things that I am thinking and that'll be the end of it. Thanks for supporting me, I really do appreciate it so much. It's nice to know that even though I am physically so far away, some people still have my back and support whatever decision I make.
Happy Aloha Friday!
Jaz
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