Gratitude

I worked out yesterday, I am determined to do some type of exercise everyday, and I walked at 4 miles an hour for half an hour and I didn't really get winded or tired. I actually made me feel happy, which no exercise has ever done except playing Ultimate Frisbee with all of my most favoritest people. My classes went well and I finished reading an amazing book, I love LDS suspense novels, they are just the most awesome books ever.

Today was SO much better than Tuesday. I woke up with a smile on my face, and I felt that today was going to be good. I was so right. I had a delicious breakfast that was pretty well rounded and it was awesome to eat and not feel sick at all. I had to do a video assignment and although it was embarrassing, I did it anyway. I went to my recitation for Chem Lab and I feel pretty prepared and ready for the beginner lab about measurements. Biology was pretty good as well, my professor was like less than 5 minutes late, and he was at a meeting, so he brought us food which was quite yummy. Our discussion was cool and I learned things that I hadn't had any idea about, and also realized that I know so little about some biological concepts. I do like that class, and I'm excited about it... Once again, tonight I worked out. I did both resistance stuff and cardio. I did crunches, push ups, tricep thingies, bodyweight squats and planks. Then I went to the fitness center and ran on the elliptical machine for half hour. I legitimately enjoyed it, and it is kind of a release for me now. It is so much easier to run inside than inside.

On to the gratitude part: 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Jesus concerning you.

As I was just going through my day, I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.

• I am thankful that I am relatively healthy 
• I am thankful that I am here in Hawaii, to be with the beauty and to study
• I am thankful that I have family that believes in me, and that they are willing to help me in my schooling
• I am thankful for the friends that I have made here in Hawaii
• I am grateful for prayer and scripture study
• I am grateful that it is a new year and I am able to make changes in my life to make it better
• I am thankful for my family back home, and their support for me, no matter my decision
• I'm so grateful that I have learned more of who I am while I've been here, and that I know how to live without someone really supporting me.

Well there it is, I am a happy person at this moment and I am trying really hard to improve my life, trying to make a life for myself and achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

Yuckish Day

Well today has not been full of shining moments. I woke up at like 8:30 and felt fine, and as usual I waited about an hour to go and get breakfast because if I try to eat before then, I get sick. And YES, I have tried, and I do get sick every time, no matter how much I want to eat. Anywho - so I got up and was going to go at like 9:15, but I decided not to. Good thing I was in my room because I threw up. Its happened a couple times before, and I only do it once and then I feel fine for the rest of the day. So after, I decided to go eat anyway, I started out with a glass of Sprite just to be safe and waited a bit and then decided I was well enough to eat some food. I ate french toast and it stayed down just great throughout the day.

I cleaned and went to Conservation Biology and then got lunch with some friends. It was nothing really special, but I didn't eat much because throwing up is my least favorite of all types of sicknesses. 

So I did all kinds of homework, felt pretty accomplished and - shocker of all shockers - I decided to go and exercise on my own time. I need to for my fitness class, so decided to start now. I just started out easy, walking at a brisk pace on the treadmill. I went just over 2 miles in just over 30 minutes and I was exhausted. I was sweating like mad and I bet a smelled just like a fresh meadow of flowers. *sarcasm* So by the and, about 2 minutes from the end of my cool down, my stomach decided that it didn't want to have whatever it was in my stomach. So I ran to the bathroom. I changed back into my clothes, returned the schools shorts because mine aren't long enough, and made my way back to my room. On the way out, the lights in the CAC went out. I don't think I've ever been in that dark of a place. It scared the crap out of me. It came back on, and was all good.

When I was about back to my room my stomach once again decided it didn't like what was in it. So I pretty much just didn't have any food in my stomach. I was all shaky and felt like i was going to pass out. I quickly went to the cafeteria and ate a filling dinner. So, yeah, its not wonder that I have never had a good experience with exercising. It doesn't make me feel good, well, lifting weights does but its so daunting with a room full of buff guys lifting weights. . . I hope to get over it eventually, but I'm not there yet.

There is my less than amazing day. I hope the rest of the week goes better, I really would like it to.

 Life is, well Life.

-Jaz

January is half way over!

Whoa! Where did January go? I got here on the first, and now it is almost the 20th. I have had 2 weeks of classes, and they're going fine, and I am learning how to balance them a little bit.

Today at church, I tried to pay more attention to the speakers and teachers, but I had a little issue because I was so stinking hungry. I was also trying to pay attention to the spirit and only write down what I felt I needed to get out of what various people were saying. 

Here's some of what I got out of today:

~We don't read the scriptures to understand them perfectly, we read them to be cleansed from the inside out.

~When we read the scriptures, we are allowing the Lord to be able to change and improve us.

~Happiness comes from our obedience. (I had heard this before, but I thought it needed to be repeated because I know that it is important)

~We trust people and our hearts get broken, we're human.

So, yeah. That was the uplifting parts of church. 

I also finally wrote down my New Years Resolutions. I am not really a resolutions person because I have never been able to keep them, but I am really going to try hard this year. I tried to make them meaningful to me, and the things that I need to improve upon, but aren't to specific or difficult that it will be a challenge to achieve them. I am putting them here to have them somewhere other than the piece of paper I wrote them on, and so that some other people have seen them so I kinda have someone to kick me in the butt if I get so far off.

My goals to achieve sometime this year, to make a better Jasmine:

more exercise

meaningful scripture study

patience

listening ear

save

read more books

laugh more

less junk food

positivity

positive blog posts, with pictures

continue to keep the sabbath

let go of bitterness

So there they are. They may not make the most sense, but for me things are all about the little victories.  I'm not a person that likes big change, or is really capable of it (in my experience so far). Moving here was the most abrupt thing I've done and it hasn't been easy, and I have kinda lost myself. I haven't been doing the things I love to do, around the people that I love. I haven't really made myself at home here, because I know that eventually it will end - I try not to get too attached to things because it is just easier for me that way. I am trying t figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I want to do with myself and I think that these resolutions will help me to figure that out.

This year is going to be one of big changes, and hopefully by 2105 I will be a little more on track to be the person that I know that Lord knows I can be. I also hope that someday, I can find the right guy for me because honestly, I have so much emotional baggage that I don't think I am going to find someone who is willing to put up with me and all the problems that I know come with me. I am trying, but change hard. Luckily nobody said it was easy.

Solitarily Social

I think, after months of being here in Hawaii, I have finally figured out what to call myself. 

Solitarily Social.

This may not make sense to anyone else but me, but let me explain. I love people, my mom pointed this out to be a couple years ago, and overall, people, especially close family, has brought me out of rough spots in my life. There was a time that I was very nearly depressed, so my mom started having people over a couple times a month, and I loved it.

While being here, I have tried to make an effort to make friends, but more often than not, it is just a small interaction every few days, and nothing else. To be quite honest, I don't really mind this. I try not to trust too easily because I have been hurt deeply by people I have trusted. 

Anyways, being here, and after going home for Christmas. I realized something really strange. I love being around people and most times I will take the opportunity to be around others. I also love being alone. I love to read a book or just watch TV. Most of my weekend nights are spent in my room either watching Netflix or reading a book or doing homework (rarely). Its a strange thing, and I don't know if its necessarily a bad thing, but sometimes I spend probably too much time alone and think too much and stuff.

So there are my thoughts, and they're semi interesting today. Does this make sense to anyone else? Or does anyone else feel this way about themselves as well?

Lots of Happy wishes from Hawaii,
Jaz

Back In "Paradise"

It has been quite month for me. So much has happened, and I find it really hard to believe that it has been a month since I last posted.

So, since I last posted, I have finished my finals. I took all 5 finals, and they were pretty good. I didn't do horrible on any of them, and I got a 3.6 GPA at the end of it all. My BOM final wasn't bad, it was on our own time and I got 100% woo hoo! My math final came out at like 88% or something like that. I got like a 95% on my Hawaiian Studies oral final with my 'ohana and we felt so relieved when it was finished. My english final essay went well and my research paper was graded as pretty good. My biology final was really short and I was the third to last final person to finish (it was only 39 questions long). So overall, it was great. I finished on the Thursday and went to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug with my friend Annette and it was such a blast and a lovely way to end my first semester of college.

When I woke up on Friday Morning, I realized that I literally wouldn't have anything to do until Tuesday, when I was set to go back to Utah. So, my amazing Daddy found a way for me to get home. I flew out of Honolulu on Saturday night, and landed in Las Vegas Sunday Morning. I didn't make the flights on standby and so once again, my parents saved the day and bought me a plane ticket. I chilled there for 7 hours. The most boring 7 hours of my life. Anyways, when I got back to Utah it was really great. It was so amazing to be back in Utah, and Utah Valley covered in snow from the air is a breathtaking sight. I was so excited to be home, even though I had no idea when I would be coming back to Hawaii. 

I had a nice time in Utah, I didn't do much outside of my house, unfortunately. I got to see my BESTEST friend in the world. Hannah. She was the first person not in my family that I went to see because I just couldn't wait any longer. We planned a double date with our significant others and I was so excited to spend time with Brendan... unfortunately for my tender heart, he didn't want anything to do with me. So, we didn't go and he and I ended up breaking up. I'm still not over it, and it literally shattered my heart. I never thought I would go through so much emotional turmoil because of love. It probably isn't good to spend so much time thinking about what went wrong, what signs there were that I ignored, and what I could have done to make him at least tell me when he started to not care anymore. It breaks my heart, and have a few feels and tears every once in a while. 

Being back at school at least keeps me semi occupied. I have a pretty rigorous class schedule and homework is quite substantial. Luckily, I have been managing it pretty well so far, and I am hoping that it stays that way. So, this is my last semester at BYU Hawaii. I am moving back to Utah in April, I am not exactly sure what is going to happen after I leave here, but I know that being here is not where I am supposed to be anymore. I still don't know if my major will be something be biological, or in social work. But now that I think about it, is that maybe meteorology again. If I study tornadoes and try to do a lot of research, I could help people and study the natural world. So yeah, maybe I'll take Marsha's advice and go on a mission and after I get back, things will work out. 

There are my late night thoughts. It really isn't that late here, but I am tired, but I know if I don't get my thoughts and feelings down here, I will forget the things that I am thinking and that'll be the end of it. Thanks for supporting me, I really do appreciate it so much. It's nice to know that even though I am physically so far away, some people still have my back and support whatever decision I make.

Happy Aloha Friday!

Jaz